I am sentimental. As in, I will never have another summer with my babies as 1 and 3 year olds. This is the only one and then it is gone forever.
I don't think this sentimentality comes from a good place. I think it comes from fear. Fear that I am squandering away my days with them. Fear that next year, or tomorrow, for that matter, will not be as good and as sweet as now. That life and joy will diminish as babies grow and I add another candle. That His goodness will run out. That all the bittersweet and all the black dark years the locust ate will not be repaid. Pressed down. Shaken together. Overflowing.
But, geez, aren't I promised that God is ever-present and in His presence is fullness of joy? That He is I AM. That He will be I AM in my future present moments?
Maybe my problem isn't fear, but just plain disbelief. Or maybe fear is just the spoiled child of disbelief and time just a canvas, a space for all the disbelief and fear to be worked out of me like a huge festering splinter. Remove the splinter and make room for grace? Or maybe Grace removes the splinter.
From Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts (a must read)...
All fear is but the notion that God's love ends. Did you think I end, that My bread warehouses are limited, that I will not be enough? But I am infinite, child. What can end in Me? Can life end in Me? Can happiness? Or peace? Or anything you need? Doesn't your Father always give you what you need? I am the Bread of Life and My bread for you will never end. Fear thinks God is finite and fear believes that there is not going to be enough and hasn't counting one thousand gifts, endlessly counting gifts, exposed the lie at the heart of all fear? In Me, blessings never end because My love for you never ends. If My goodnesses toward you end, I will cease to exist, child. As long as there is a God in heaven, there is grace on earth and I am the spilling God of the uncontainable, forever-overflowing-love-grace.
4 comments:
thank you :)
I love this post. Love what you shared. Feel like you feel. Struggle against it. And you are right on - His goodness, His love, He never ends. Never runs out. Is always good. In all things. All the time. Thank you.
Beautiful post! That sums up how I feel so often too. There are so many blessings to look forward to, though! God is faithful in all things. Thank you for the reminder. (I adore that pic of you and Brookes!)
Beautifully written.
As a Momma with kids a little bit older, I can assure you there is fun to be had and joy to be found at every age. :) Well, I can attest up to age 8 anyway!
Thank-you for commenting this morning. I'm so glad to have found your blog! Your girls are beautiful.
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